


The Chronicles of Hope Estheim

by tokyojunk



Category: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Angst and Humor, Crack, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-02-16 12:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 8,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2269572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokyojunk/pseuds/tokyojunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hope decides to record his thoughts in a diary. Slight one sided Hope/Everyone and by everyone I mostly mean Snow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Entry

I've decided to keep a diary. Vanille said that sometimes, when your mind is running around with thoughts that trouble you and you don't really want to talk to anyone, writing said thoughts down can help sometimes. I hesitated at first, thinking 'Who has the time when you're a ticking time bomb?' and considering where this advice was coming from (a ditzy young girl who jumped up and down when given a gun with its safety off) the idea of toting around something full of my most personal thoughts seemed a bit dangerous. What if someone reads it? What if I lost it? It seemed a bit risky, but then I remembered I'm a teenage boy and risk is what us teens are all about if those teen pregnancy shows were anything to go by. I decided to give in or else I wouldn't be writing this on this ridiculously small Hello-Kitty note pad Vanille supplied for me in a pinch.

Anyway, I'm currently with Vanille while the rest of the group explores the now crystallized Lake Bresha. So far she's been nothing but trouble.

She throws herself at enemies without a single thought to caution. I'd like to figure out my Focus without you trying to play with a pack of wild pantherons thank you very much. I'm not a fighter and I don't pretend to be. I'd rather run away from a fight (counting I don't get winded or end up tripping over my own two feet to then get viciously mauled to death.) But I know I can't die. I have a mission and I'm determined to see it through to the end. I don't care what my Focus is at the moment though it would help to know it in order not to end up a Cie'th.

My mission is this: I'm going to kill Snow.

I know I'm only fourteen and look as though a strong wind could carry me on a good day, but I'm going to kill Snow.

He killed my mother or rather got her killed even though she volunteered to fight. What's the difference? Logic tells me that it wasn't his fault, that my mother knew what she was getting into so her death shouldn't be a surprise. But I'm not following logic. I'm being consumed by grief and my grief tells me that it doesn't matter what logic dictates, the result is still the same: I can't bring her back.

But  _he's_ still alive and I'm going to fix that.

I'm going to kill him. I know he's bigger and stronger, but I got something he'll never have. I have something that makes even the most stoic soldiers fall to their knees in defeat.

I have the power of cute.

I'm freaking adorable. No one can resist my dork like charms or my voice that manages to crack when I'm scared or going through puberty or the awkward sway I do when I'm waiting for the person in command of my party to do something other than run around looking for treasure spheres and ignoring the plot.

Others have tried to resist me and it resulted in casualties. I don't like to talk about it much. But I will say this: heads exploded like watermelons.

Snow's no different. He won't resist. He can't. Not when I give him my puppy dog eyes of sadness or my cute to the power of ten pout of doom.

He'll fall and I'll be there to watch him. Maybe I'll catch him if the idea of him crushing me weren't so frightening. But if I  _had_  enough strength to catch him, I'd let him slip just to watch him fall again. Yeah, that's right. I'm  _that_ pissed.

Snow calls himself a hero. All I see is a coward running away from his problems.

At least I'm man enough to run _into_ them. Even if it ends up with me getting a piece of me chewed off (pantherons cubs are not to be played with I've learned).

I gotta go. Vanille is poking at a sleeping pantheron again. I'm afraid I'm all she's got in terms of a responsible adult right now.

 


	2. Second Entry

Snow is delusional.

He swears he can save everyone, but all I see is a fool who can barely save himself.

Once we found his crystallized girlfriend –who by the way doesn't look any older than me, shouldn't there be laws protecting her against perverts like Snow?—he immediately started chipping away like that was going to help. She's made out of crystal. What are you going to do with her if you manage to break her free? She won't change back and she probably weighs a ton so carrying her around will only slow you down.

Lightning tried explaining this to him with a double donkey punch to the face.

Despite it, Snow kept going on. He said our Focus is to save Cocoon, but Lightning quickly reminded him that we're now enemies of Cocoon, so us saving it doesn't make any sense. I really wish we knew what our focus was. It doesn't seem fair that we're branded and given vague clues as to what our mission is. How are we going to get anything done if we're too busy chasing our tails in confusion? Not that I'm in a hurry to turn into a crystal. According to Lightning, her sister was dead. I asked her what makes her believe that and she said that no one's ever woken up. It's only a legend. Maybe she's right. Maybe it's all a bunch of fairy tales to ease those who are chosen. That way, they'll feel like they can work towards something worth fighting for, like eternal youth.

I asked Lightning what she thought of everything. Of us becoming l'Cie and the constant threat of us being captured, killed, or worse turned into monsters as we tried to piece together our vague Focus.

She looked at me and shrugged.

'We're screwed.' She said.

I don't want to die, but at the same time I don't want to become some monster.

I still have a mission to complete and I can't kill Snow if I end up a Cie'th. It just wouldn't be practical or productive. Can you imagine if the entire group turned? I'd be a monster with a grudge against another monster that looks like me. I'd have a hard time getting my revenge and probably end up clawing Sazh thinking he was Snow, and Snow would probably be growling and moaning somewhere because that's what Cie'th do since they don't do much else. That and walk slow. Maybe when he turns he'll still wear his stupid bandana. Yeah. I'm going to murder the Cei'th with the bandana.

Snow, your Cie'th days are numbered.

We left Snow behind. I pray he gets eaten by a pack of ravenous pantherons but I know that won't happen. Snow seems to infuriate my very being down to the last cell so it'd be my luck that he'll somehow survive and show up later with a military escort and a giant ship to back him up. Not that it would happen.

I gotta go. Lightning is glaring at me again and wants to know what I'm scribbling down.

This is our second break since leaving Snow behind and I can tell she's getting annoyed.

I'm fourteen so I'm not the lean, mean, killing machine she is. I only have the power of cute and a boomerang to save me. But give it time. I'll be strong and posing over Snow's corpse in no time.


	3. Third Entry

She left me.

Lightning took off without a look back to see my hurt puppy dog expression.

She just left.

I don't know whether to be impressed or offended that she managed to overcome the power that I've dubbed cute.

But she's no different than the others. I know she'll fall given time.

I could stop writing and try to catch up with her. But I'm tired. My legs feel sore what from surviving an  _airship crash_ and being made to walk however many miles through this junk yard. I wish I were more like Lightning. She's headstrong and knows what she's doing. She went on a Purge train to save her sister. That takes a lot of bravery and nerve. She's not like me. I'm a coward. I'm afraid of getting hurt or worse, killed. I could never have her tenacity to keep going regardless of the consequences. Unlike me, she's strong and has somewhere to go. I can't go back home and I don't have anything to look forward to in the future besides trying to wipe any evidence of my involvement in Snow's murder. She wants to keep fighting despite having the equivalent of a shiny popsicle for a sister. I guess she doesn't want to end up like her or a Cie'th.

If I were Lightning I'd be able to do a lot of things, like kill Snow. I'd use my soldier training to kill him in a heartbeat. No, that's too generous. I'd probably do it slowly and make him suffer. I'd probably play with his emotions first, try to seduce him (not that I'm secretly attracted to Snow or anything. I'm really not). But the fact that Lightning looks legal enough to vote and buy alcohol might be a turn off to him. I have a better chance of seducing him now with my childish yet manly good looks. Scratch all of that. I don't want to seduce him. I'll kill him quickly and hope no one notices he's missing. He's huge and annoying so that might be a problem. Maybe I'll just take his bandana and wrap it around a chocobo's head and hope no one tries to talk to it.

It's getting cold around here and it's already pretty late. I wish I was in a nice warm bed. I can't just go home since I doubt I'll be welcomed. And it's not like I  _want_ to go home anyway. My dad probably wouldn't care either way. If anything he'll probably think everything that's happened so far –Mom's death, me becoming a l'Cie—is my fault. And maybe it is my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered mom so much about taking me to Bodham to see the annual fireworks, maybe I should've listened to my gut feeling when we got to the lair of a fal'Cie and turned back instead of following Vanille in search of Snow. These are things I regret now and they're actions I can't take back and have to live with. Mom's gone, I'm a Pulse l'Cie, I have no clue what my Focus is, and I'm out for Snow's blood. This is my reality and there's nothing I can do now to change any of it.

I'm going to stop now. My legs feel a bit numb. Maybe I'll walk around a bit to get warmed up and then wait for Sazh and Vanille to catch up.


	4. Entries Four to Six

**Fourth Entry**

I decided to join Lightning. After the conversation she had with Sazh I decided to join her. Fighting by her side meant fighting the Sanctum, fighting the Sanctum meant eventually confronting Snow. If I'm going to kill him then I'm going to need to get stronger. Lightning wanted me to stay behind with the others but I was adamant about joining her. I need to re-evaluate my goals. Before, I used to think I didn't have a purpose in all of this. I didn't have a future, I didn't want to go back to my past, and I had nothing to hold onto. I felt so lost.

But that's over now. I'm done looking at the bigger picture and anguishing on my fate with despair. Lightning showed me that as long as you have a target, you can keep on fighting. So I have a target and it's Snow. First, I'm going to get strong. Then I'm going to kill Snow. It'll be like an errand list: check the treasure sphere, fight some monsters, kill Snow, buy some components, drink a potion, kill Snow. As long as I treat it like a list of goals then I should be okay.

* * *

**Fifth Entry**

She let me call her Light which is a good indication as any that she's slowly warming up to me. I wish I had a nickname to have her call me, but I don't think Hope  _Snow Killer_ Estheim is one. It's too long. We're going to Eden, but in order to get there we're going to have to go through the Gapra Whitewood and then to Palumpolum. I told her that once we reach my hometown, I can show her all the shortcuts to make our journey easier. It'll be like a date except we have killing people on our minds. We're not making any side trips, not that I care about going home. I doubt I'm welcomed there anyway.

Gotta go. Break time's over.

* * *

**Sixth Entry**

This woman is trying to kill me.

I'm not cut out for this.

I can hold my own in a fight, but I'm not used to this. She yells at me a lot, snaps at me when I don't follow directions well, and ignores me when I try to talk to her.

But I'm going to break her down with the power of cute.

Once I stop wheezing and get the feeling back into my legs.

 


	5. Entries Seven to Nine

**Seventh Entry**

'You're a liability' she says.

'You'll slow me down' she says.

'You're a helpless kid' she says.

We'll see who's helpless when I turn the power of cute up to a hundred.

She won't see it coming. I'm going to be stubborn, annoying, and clingy with a pout and a sorry face to boot. I'm going to yell because that's what people do when they want others to agree with them.

I'll even add a 'trip helplessly to show how pathetic I am' to get the ball rolling.

Soon.

* * *

**Eighth Entry**

She summoned an Eidolon.

I'm screwed.

* * *

**Ninth Entry**

I thought I was going to die, but Lightning came to my rescue. I helped her tame her Eidolon and afterwards I asked if I was really in her way, if I was just a burden to her. Then I pouted and looked sad because I actually  _was_ sad. I'm nothing but a worthless kid to her. I have nothing to contribute. I want to get strong, I want to be tough, and I want to show her that I can be reliable. That she can trust me and look at me as a comrade instead of some useless kid she has to take care of.

She must've sensed my dread and hopelessness because she said that she was going to toughen me up. With that said she turned to leave.

Then she stopped.

And apologized.

I didn't say anything as I followed her out because winners never gloat.

The power of cute knows no bounds.

She's officially mine.


	6. Tenth Entry

**Tenth Entry**

My stamina's getting better now. Not that it's a huge improvement from before, but I don't fall to the floor wheezing and begging for mercy anymore. My magic spells are getting better, stronger, and with that my nerve and confidence. I got to take point when we reached the Gapra Whitewood. I wanted to do it. If I want to become strong, I have to make important tactical decisions that may put our lives in danger due to my inflated teenage ego and ignorance.

I'm still learning.

I learned that you don't break into a run, yelling a battle cry while attacking an Alpha Behemoth. I learned two things. One, my boomerang is useless and two, Lightning kicks so much ass. Once it was defeated, I decided we should move on and find another one to fight. Sure, an Alpha Behemoth is strong enough to kill me in one hit or maim me by robbing me of my face if I barely manage to dodge its sharp claws, but I am the leader and what I say goes. Lightning has no choice but to follow because at the moment, you can't change party leader from the menu.

I also learned about Snow. He's engaged to Lightning's dead popsicle sister. I'm just shocked Snow got that far with Lightning as an older sister, but then again, her sister is a dead popsicle so it goes to show how much she cares about protecting her. She dislikes him as much as I do, but I hate him more because of the whole 'killing my mom' thing. Still, I can relate to her. She, like me, doesn't think much of Snow. In fact, Lightning was kind enough to give me her knife, a gift from her dead popsicle sister. She said I should use it to keep me safe. I took that to mean 'here, use it to kill Snow.' Lightning is so supportive.

I wonder how the others are doing. Sazh and Vanille are probably on the run like we are, but they're probably not trying to take down the Sanctum. I'm glad I followed Lightning. With her, I know I can get stronger. I know I can kill Snow. Speaking of which, I wonder what he's doing right now. Probably still trying to get his dead popsicle girlfriend out from the crystal. Or maybe he's been caught by some rouge military ship that won't kill him or maybe he's dead. He better not be dead. I still need him alive to kill him.

He's such a reckless guy. Lightning says his group, the one that shares my mother's name, NORA, is about no rules and no authority. People, young and old, flock to him without knowing what he's really about. They follow him blindly, as though he knows what he's doing. Don't they know he doesn't care about them? That he leads them into these impossible battles with little regard to their safety and lives? That he doesn't think twice about sacrificing them, that he's a wink and a smile away from turning his back on them and walking away as though their deaths didn't happen. What about them? What about the people who fight? Who sacrifice their lives? What about mom? What about her? Why doesn't he care?  _ **Why doesn't he act like he's sorry?**_ Just thinking about his goofy smile makes my blood boil. What sort of hero turns his back on dying comrades and acts as though it was all a victory because he's the only one left standing?

I can't. I can't let him live. I can't, not when I know he's willing to sacrifice others in his stead. He's not a hero. He's scum. And I'm going to be the one to stop him from hurting anyone else.

Lightning is back and wants to know what we should do now.

We're going to fight. And I'm going to get stronger.

It's the only way.

To make Snow pay.

I just made that rhyme because I'm  _serious_ about this.

I'm practically a grown-up now.

 


	7. Eleventh Entry

**Eleventh Entry**

Lighting and I are partners now and because we're partners, I told her everything.

I told her how it was Snow's fault my mother got killed. How he just let her go, instead of saving her. It's his fault and he has to pay. He's probably the reason why Lightning's dead popsicle sister is the way she is. It's his fault that Lightning is now a l'Cie. Hell, while we're at it, let's blame world hunger and the spread of diseases on Snow too. He's the root of everyone's problems and I'm going to deliver a swift shank of justice and then run like hell before anyone realizes Snow's been stabbed. My revenge is the reason why I followed her in the first place. Lightning is strong and I want to be too. But I can't get stronger if I don't throw myself into the fight.

Lightning said that I have to control my emotions. Sympathy will only grant me defeat. She explained that I have to focus on my goal and shut out everything else. What she said makes sense. When I'm in the process of killing Snow, I can't let anything else distract me, like people screaming in horror or the sound of the cops coming. I can't let anything stand in my way and if I start to waver, then I have to suck it up and deal because only doubt will cripple me. I know taking revenge on Snow won't bring my mother back, but hearing an apology just won't cut it either. It won't erase my grief, it won't ease the pain. But killing Snow will give me something to replace the pain. It'll give me satisfaction because I feel like I  _did_ something about it. I took control over something that I didn't think I could control before and that means a lot, considering my current status as a l'Cie.

Lightning also said that it was the Sanctum that killed mom and not Snow. Who's side is she on anyway? Maybe she was right, and it was their fault, but they weren't the ones that let my mother fall. Snow got her killed and nothing's going to change that. And what's her problem anyway? Does she like Snow? Is she suddenly bailing out on me because I like to stare at a blade and daydream about it covered it Snow's blood? She's not supposed to show the sympathy she chastised me about earlier. She's supposed to hate Snow as much if not more than I do since he's engaged to her underage dead popsicle sister! What's there to like about him anyway? It's not like he has a rocking body and has the strength to punch a person's face off. Because he doesn't! And it's not like he's soft on the eyes with his handsome good looks and bad boy stubble because I hadn't noticed!

She says she's on the side of Truth.

Well, the truth is that Snow got my mother killed. The truth is going to set him free in the form of a blade to the chest…or neck…I still haven't decided yet, but when I do, it won't be pretty.


	8. Twelfth Entry

**Twelfth Entry**

I decided to name my mission to kill Snow Operation Nora. It makes sense since it's my mother's name. I know NORA is also the name of his stupid rebel group, but that's not important to me. What matters is that Snow will die knowing that Nora means more than just some stupid group of kids wielding guns. He'll die knowing it belonged to the most beautiful, awesome, and kickass mom in the universe. I'll make sure to carve it in his big broad chest in case he forgets.

We finally reached the outskirts of Palumpolum and Lightning thinks I should go see my dad. I don't want to, not when I know I won't be welcomed. I just want to bypass this place as soon as possible. Lightning says he deserves to know what happened to mom and I agree with her to a certain extent. I just don't want to be the one to deliver the news to him in person. Maybe I should just send him a post card? Not that it'll be easy. I mean, what can I say? I can write up one right now.

Hey Dad,

How are you? I'm not doing so well. I'm a l'Cie now and on the run. I'm traveling with a woman named Lighting. She's cool and mean at the same time. I like her and will probably marry her someday if we don't end up as Cie'th or become dead popsicle crystals like her sister. She has a sister…who is most likely dead. Guess the wedding party will be small. I hope to be taller than her by the wedding. If not, then I'm the one who's going to have to wear the dress. White is not my color. Will try to find something in a soft yellow or cream.

Never really liked you,  
Hope  _Snow Killer_ Estheim  
Ps. Mom died.  
Pps. I'm going to kill the man who did it with a  _knife_.  
Ppps. I've officially changed my middle name to  _Snow Killer_ , hope you don't mind.

See? That was intense. Doesn't Lightning understand that I'm fourteen and full of angst? Communicating my feelings is HARD. But she told me that I had to go. That he's the only family I have left. She's right about him being the only thing left. At least he's alive and not dead somewhere as a popsicle crystal like her sister. But would he want me? I'm a l'Cie now and I doubt he'll be thrilled about mom being dead. He'll blame me for it. After all, it was my idea to go to Bodham to see the annual fireworks. I'm the reason mom's gone and he'll place all the blame on me. Maybe I shouldn't go. It'll be best for everyone involved that I don't.

I gotta go. Lightning's wondering why I'm taking so long to pee behind the bushes. I can't go with someone looking. I can't just pop a squat anywhere and go. I'm not Lightning.


	9. Entries thirteen to fifteen

**Thirteenth Entry**

I'm currently with Snow.

A lot of stuff happened so I've been pretty busy to write. But Lightning and I made it through the underground tunnels and into the city. I told her about Operation Nora and she told me to abandon it. She said that killing Snow won't change anything. Of course it won't! I know that. But if I don't have that mission in mind, then what am I living for? Killing Snow is not going to bring my mother back and it isn't going to change what happened, but it will give me some peace of mind instead of this hate that's currently bubbling inside me, ready to surface.

We eventually got caught and Snow and some strange woman came and saved us. Lightning threw me at him and told him to keep me safe and take me home. Of all the people to leave me with, she leaves me with the person I most hate. He took a good look at me and realized that I had changed. Of course I did. I had to change if I was going to be his killer. He said that I shouldn't be fighting, that fighting should be left up to the 'grown-ups'. Excuse me?  _I have no choice._  I have to fight. I'm a l'Cie which is English for  _screwed_. I asked him if it was stupid to fight. I mean, this is a man in charge of a group that all they do is fight so is it stupid to them? You know what he said to me?

'It is if you get yourself killed.'

I wished I'd latched onto his back and slit his throat right then and there. So my mom's stupid because she chose to fight and ended up getting killed? My mom was not stupid! She was brave, smart, and she was tough! She was everything Snow claims to be and isn't. She wasn't the coward he is and she wasn't a fool.

After he said that he smiled.

He  _smiled_.

I'm going to make him smile even harder when I rip him some new lips with my blade.

Everything about him pisses me off.

He better watch his back.

* * *

**Fourteenth Entry**

Snow's on the phone.

When I got on, I told Lightning that I was going to go on with Operation Nora.

I don't know if she heard me since the phone was breaking up but I don't care. If I'm going to kill Snow, now would have to be the time. We're traveling alone, so no witnesses. I don't have to try hard to hide the body since no one's around to discover it. And my magic spells have gotten stronger.

Now is the time.

* * *

**Fifteenth Entry**

I couldn't do it.

 


	10. Sixteenth Entry

**Sixteenth Entry**

Operation Nora was a bust.

I had my moment and just when I gave into my rage and let Snow know why I hated him, just when I was going to deliver the final blow that would make him pay for all the pain he'd cause, I was knocked out by some explosion. When I came to I was surprised to see that he was carrying me on his back. I mean, I tried to kill him and he saved me. He said he was told to keep me safe, by both Lightning and my mom. He apologized for everything, even though he earlier said that all the apologies in the world wouldn't mean anything. He was wrong. I needed him to own up to what he did. Show some remorse and acknowledge the fact that he screwed up and cost my mother her life. I know he can't bring her back and a small part of me knew that killing Snow wasn't going to change anything either. But I needed him to stop running away from his guilt and face the consequences of his actions head on.

He gave me back Lightning's knife. There I was, riding on his back as he struggled under my ninety-eight pound manly frame, and he goes and gives me back the knife I meant to kill him with. Under those circumstances, you don't give the person who's trying to kill you their weapon back. But I guess he knew I wasn't going to slit his throat from behind or maybe he just didn't  _care_ and wanted me to do it to punish him for what he'd done. Regardless, I didn't kill him. All the rage I felt towards him, all that hate, was gone. If anything, I felt sorry for the guy for carrying around so much guilt and pretending he didn't have a problem in the world except obsessing over Lightning's dead popsicle sister.

Snow said that he would make it up to me. To give him time and if what he did didn't satisfy me then he would take whatever punishment I could dish out. I told him that it wasn't necessary. What can he do anyway? He could be my ride for life since piggyback rides are my preferred mode of travel anyway, but that's not going to cut it. Deep down, I just want him to take the blame. I told him that hurting him, killing him, was the drive that kept me fighting and now that I don't have that I just don't know what to do. He said I should keep going. Keep fighting even if my drive is my resentment towards him. I don't know if I want to kill him anymore when he practically dragged himself on his hands and knees to carry me when I was perfectly capable of walking on my own. It was so sad it was almost cute (I said  _almost_ cute, because I don't like him like that since I really like girls.)

But he did give me a lot to think about in terms of what I'm living for now.

Lighting and the strange woman from before, Fang, came just in time to help me fight after we were ambushed. Snow was adamant on protecting me even when he got tossed back like a rag doll. That was cool of him even though he almost died.

But I decided something.

I won't let him die.

Unless it's by my own hand.

Now that I think about it. Why shouldn't I keep going with Operation Nora? I know I told Lightning that it was over and gave back her knife (she hugged me [score!] and vowed to protect me. FYI I'm pretty sure this means we're totally dating now) but Snow would  _want_  me to kill him. He did say he'd take  _whatever_ punishment I had for him. So in reality, I'm doing what Snow wants and its obvious that Snow wants me to kill him.

But I won't do it right now. I mean, he's like a sick puppy right now. I couldn't do that to him. I can't rob him of the chance to experience me trying to kill him. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't do what he obviously really wanted from me? I'll kill him later. Or maybe I shouldn't? I mean, maybe he'll do something to make it up to me? I should just kill him. I don't know. I'm very confused right now. I don't know what my purpose in life is anymore and I don't know whether I like Snow with or without his shirt open.

I gotta go. We stopped for a bit to let Snow rest. He's pretty beat up and though I did offer to heal him since my medic skills are up to par with the best of the best, Lightning frowned and said Snow needed to stop being a punk and to walk it off.

 


	11. Seventeenth Entry

**Seventeenth Entry**

I'm finally home.

I told Dad what happened. He's devastated of course, started crying. I didn't know what to say at that moment, so I just sat there awkwardly. I told him that we were going to leave as soon as we were rested up, but Dad got angry. He said l'Cie or not, this was my home and that he was going to support me no matter what I choose to do. I was actually surprised he still wanted me after everything. Thought he'd blame me for mom's death, but he didn't. He was just happy I was alive.

Snow's resting in the guest room. We got him properly patched up. Lightning said she'd watch him. I've been in there twice already to check on her, but really it was to see if she got ahead of me and went to finish the job and needed help getting rid of the body. Much to my surprise (and relief) Snow was alive and breathing. It's not that I don't mind Lightning killing him, but it would be best if I did the deed since Snow basically gave me first dibs to kill him off. I'd like to think that Snow believes in me and wants me to do my best. That and I think he believes in the power of friendship.

I managed to find a proper journal now. The hello-kitty one from before was too small and I was running out of pages. I transcribed my older stuff and as I was looking over them I couldn't help but see my own progress, my own growth as a person through this entire mess. It's funny. I looked at these things with a sort of fondness, like they were memories of my distant past and not say, recent horrific events that changed my life forever. Like, I'd read something and be all 'Oh hey, I remember when Lightning made me cry after calling me a wuss after I collapsed after two push-ups. Good times.' And 'Man, look at how angry and full of hate I was. I wanted to kill Snow so bad, look at me write in a froth of rage.' You know, stuff like that is what makes me appreciate the man I am today at fourteen.

I gotta go. Fang said Snow's up. I want to say hi and give him tender 'I'm going to kill you later' looks as he begs my father for forgiveness.


	12. Eighteenth Entry

**Eighteenth Entry**

I had to tie dad up and leave him behind. We had to make it look like he was forced into harboring us; it was the only way to guarantee his safety. I get what Lighting wants to protect, but in my case my dad isn't a dead popsicle like her sister. He's the only family I have left and he didn't shun me like I thought he was going to. It was hard leaving him behind, but I knew I had to.

We fought a ship, which should be physically impossible, considering it could blow us all to tiny pieces. But considering what we've been through before—the fact that we can get clawed to near death by a vicious beast and only come out the battle looking exhausted without a drop of blood on us—the ship was a piece of cake.

After our battle we got a ride from Fang's friend, Rygdea. I was put in charge of healing Snow while Lightning pretended we didn't exist and Fang spoke to that Rydgea guy. The thought of killing Snow did cross my mind while I changed his bandages. But he was all lucid and awake and wanted to talk.

He asked if I had a sweetheart back home or if I liked any girls. I told him why  _wouldn't_  I like girls because girls are totally interesting because they have chesticles that I'm told are called boobs and as a perfectly healthy teenage boy I'm totally obsessed with them and not the fact that I want to murder my former enemy turned best friend who is ridiculously well built and probably looks like a well oiled Adonis in the hot summer sun at the beach.

Snow just stared at me.

I sighed and told him I liked Lightning since she was a girl, and I'm totally into girls because of their boobs.

He chuckled. Was he making fun of me?

Lighting was a girl. Sure, she could knock Snow on his back in two seconds flat and asked me once to sit on her back while she did push-ups, but she is a delicate flower. A delicate flower that doubled as a killing machine.

He told me that Lightning was a bit too old for me. This coming from a man who is engaged to a girl that barely looks a year older than fifteen and is probably in a ditch somewhere in her sad popsicle coma.

He also said that she was a tough nut to crack in the romance department. So he offered to hook us up.

I'm fourteen years old! What the hell is wrong with him?

Lightning can get arrested because I'm so young and soft looking. Good thing I'm actually rugged and strong. I found my first chest hair the other day before Fang pulled it out thinking it was lint. I guess I should tell Snow that I'm going to marry Lightning at some point. Unlike him, I don't have crazy delusions about my love life. Lightning succumbed to my power of cute and that's good enough proof of a life long commitment. Snow's proof is that his future wife can't run away from him since she's a popsicle.

I gotta go. We're trying to save Sazh and Vanille.


	13. Nineteenth Entry

**Nineteenth Entry**

We finally got Sazh and Vanille back. I wonder what kind of relationship Fang and Vanille have. They seem close, almost like sisters. I asked Snow about it and he said they were probably lesbians. Lesbians are girls that like other girls. That's cool because I like girls too so that makes me part lesbian. Snow says he likes girls that like girls, but he also likes underage girls so this doesn't surprise me. I asked Lightning if she liked girls and she said she doesn't like anyone. This doesn't surprise me either since Lightning is probably in love with me.

The group's happy reunion was cut short. We had to fight our way off the ship and then had to battle Dysley. We found out that one of us has to become Ragnarok and bring about the end of Orphan and the destruction of Cocoon. Lightning's sister was in charge of assembling the tools (us) to achieve this.

Not cool Serah. Hope you're enjoying your wonderful crystal dirt nap.

Can you imagine that? One of us must become a monster that will destroy everything. That sounds pretty cool, in a horrifying sort of way. If I become Ragnarok then the first thing I'm going to destroy is Snow because he'd want me too and thinks monsters look cool.

Though it doesn't make sense. If one of us becomes the beast that eventually destroys all of cocoon, then what does that mean for the rest of us? Do we crystallize with our focus completed? Or do we get pulverized along with the rest of the world? If we don't fulfill it, then we become Cei'th. Also, why would a Cocoon fal'Cie want to destroy Cocoon? This plot is getting way too convoluted for my liking. I liked it better when the plot was much simpler and revolved around me trying to get my revenge on Snow.

Speaking of the big lug. Snow was pretty quiet when we were off trying to make sense of the plot. I wonder if he feels guilty about this being all his popsicle girlfriend's fault. She could've taken one for the team and become a Cei'th, but I'm sure someone else would've been branded with her mission.

Plus, I don't think Snow would want to marry a Cei'th. They don't look young enough.

All Serah can do now is pray she doesn't melt when left out in the sun for too long.

I gotta go. I was tempted to play some tic-tac-toe with Snow to cheer him up. But Lightning cracked her knuckles and said she was going to deal with him.


	14. Twentieth Entry

**Twentieth Entry**

Cid Raines betrayed us! There are no words to describe the torment his betrayal has brought upon my teen angst ridden soul.

Just kidding!

I have no idea who Cid Raines is, but he betrayed us so I pretended to look just as shocked and hurt as everyone else did. Cid confronted us and revealed that he was a Sanctum l'Cie. He told us the fal'Cie and Barthandelus's real plans. They're trying to bring back the Maker, the being that created us all. But in order to do that, we have to destroy cocoon as a sacrifice. Even though the fal'cie can probably destroy it with just a thought, it won't. I think it's because it doesn't want to get its hands dirty so it wants us to do it instead.

After we defeated Cid, he turned into a popsicle. He went against his focus, which was to aid us in the destruction of cocoon, and turned into crystal. Snow said that Cid wanted to save Cocoon in his own way and that his turning to crystal is a sign that we don't have to follow our Focus. That maybe we can save Cocoon and not turn into monsters. He made this big speech about making his popsicle girlfriend proud. He was all 'Serah would want' this and 'I made a promise' that.

The speech didn't bode well with Fang. She didn't want us to risk going against our focus and turning into Cie'th. So she summoned her Eidolon, Bahamut, because that's how we win arguments apparently.

After he was tamed we took a short break. Fang finally came around and now we're going along with Snow's plan of going against our fate.

I wanted to point out that Cid turned into a crystal not because he went against his Focus, but because he unknowingly fulfilled it. His focus was to aid us in destroying Cocoon and he did so by going against it. Fighting us was his undoing, his defeat made us stronger as l'Cie. He fulfilled his Focus trying to stop us from doing ours.

But at the risk of Fang flying into a white hot rage and summoning Bahamut or worse,  _becoming Ragnarok_ , I kept my mouth shut.

Our next destination is Gran Pulse. I'm told it is very pretty in a 'oh my god, it's full of large beasts and dangerous blood thirsty animals' so of way.


	15. Twenty First Entry

**Twenty First Entry**

We finally reached Grand Pulse. I saw my first wild chocobo running through some grasslands, which was pretty exciting. Then a pack of wild dogs took it down and ate it, which was pretty horrifying. Lightning decided that since we're on unfamiliar terrain, we should scope the area for animals that can viciously maul us before making camp. The group split up, leaving me behind with the baby chocobo to get supplies. Because when you need supplies critical to your survival, you send a tender fourteen year old boy and a tiny defenseless bird into the untamed wild.

Not that I mind the chocobo for company. So far, it cheeps to let me know it's about to be eaten by bugs, but it's not exactly the kind of company I was banking on for conversation. I mean, I tried to talk to it, but I don't think it has the mental capacity to truly understand my complicated feelings about Snow. I tried explaining how I went from wanting to kill Snow to exact my revenge to wanting to kill Snow in the name of friendship, but the tiny bird only frantically cheeped, flapping it's wings as it ran in circles. I guess it wants in on killing Snow too...or it's trying to run away from a swarm of fire ants.

I hope I got enough coconuts for us to survive on. I've been recklessly throwing my manly ninety-eight pound frame at coconut trees because it's the only thing I found besides the hallucinogenic berries that made me think my hands were melting. I don't know how I'm going to carry everything back. If I were built like Snow, I wouldn't have a problem. But I'm not and that sucks. It's not like I'm not strong. I just know that I'm not as strong as everyone else. Thinking about it now, I can't help but feel like I might be slowing them down. I mean, they took one look at me and told me to gather supplies. No one bothered to ask if I wanted to go scout the area for any enemies. They look at me and see someone who needs protection, not someone who can protect.

I'm putting their lives in danger if I become a liability.

I should probably stop writing now since my brand is bothering me. It's been itching and burning me all day.


	16. Twenty-second Entry

**Twenty-second** **Entry**

I summoned my Eidolon.

I woke up surrounded by everyone when it happened. I told them they should move on without me during a monologue to advance my character development. I didn't think I would get one since I'm so weak and only have a giant boomerang to save me. But there it was, a giant mass of metal, steam and destruction. And it was up to me with my giant boomerang and the power of cute to defeat it.

I was basically screwed.

Thankfully, I had Lightning and Fang to do most of the work while I delivered the killing blow. I would've looked cool if not for my boomerang simply bouncing off and almost hitting me in the face. But a win's a win.

Lightning said my Eidolon was a gift, that it takes on the form of our emotions and represents the power we all have deep inside.

In other words, deep down I'm a titan robot full of rage capable of crushing anything that comes my way into dust. It's comforting to know my teenage angst and insane blood lust to end Snow's life was put to good use.

I gotta go. Everyone's gone to sleep after my summon ordeal. I don't blame them. It takes a lot HP to dodge raining hell fire from my Eidolon's summon sequence.


	17. Entries twenty-three and twenty-four

**Twenty-third Entry**

I saw a fluffy white sheep today.

I named it Paul.

Paul got mauled by a pack of ravenous dogs.

There was so much blood.

I liked Paul.

* * *

**Twenty-fourth Entry**

There's all sorts of wild beasts roaming the Archylte Steppe and they all have the habit of attacking things that are cute. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid and I wasn't going to put my theory to the test, but Vanille insisted on us exploring. Vanille, like all insane people met with incredible danger, likes to throw caution and her life to the wind. She wanted to drag me away from the safety of the group to pet a wild chocobo drinking by a pond. I would've left if the bird weren't being mauled by the same pack of ravenous dogs that mauled Paul.

Vanille said it was the circle of life and that it was sort of cute.

By the amount of red coloring the clear pond water, I thought the circle of life was hellish and bloody.

I don't think I should be exploring the steppe. I'm not the hulking hero that Snow is and I'm not the slick killing machine that Lightning has no trouble being. I'm a tender bag of tasty human flesh that's ripe for the mauling and I'm ridiculously cute to boot. I know I have my Eidolon to summon if I'm in any danger. But that takes time, energy, and I run the risk of Alexander accidentally killing me during the summoning process.

I gotta go. Sahz is making us go after a cactuar that only knows how to inflict various amounts of pain when cornered and afraid. That should be fun (not).

 


	18. Twenty-fifth Entry

Operation 'Catch that Cactuar that looked at me wrong' was a bust. Sahz decided he needed to show a small cactuar who was boss. What resulted was a dance-off gone horribly wrong where Sahz's pride was the only casualty. Getting hit by the thousand needle attack didn't help either, but that's neither here or there. Seeing this, Lightning and Fang thought my well for intelligent male role models was running sort of dry and took it upon themselves to teach me how to become a more efficient man. Not that I needed help in that Department. I almost killed a man. Snow can back me up since he was the intended victim.

But I understood their point when they threw me at a pack of wild wolves and told me to fight them barehanded. I ended up climbing a tree because real men climb trees to avoid being thrashed and mauled to death. The wolves snarled and snapped at me as I cried. Getting pelted by rocks from Fang in the hopes of making my grip slip off the bark didn't help either, but that's neither here or there. Seeing this, Snow decided to come to my rescue only to be told by Lightning that the stone Cie'th nearby needed more help and that I was fine on account that my screams only made my situation better and not worse.

Snow left without question.

I'm officially out of male role models.

Getting trained to be a better man only got worse from there. Fang wanted to throw me at any wild beast she saw. She took away my boomerang and forbade me from using my magic or my summon. She said that fighting ferocious animals barehanded would not only make me stronger, but more manly. She's a bad liar. The only thing I built while fighting these beasts was my stamina from all the running I did. It didn't help that she insisted on pelting me with rocks while I tried to fight a pissed off Behemoth from the safety of another tree. She said it was to help build character. Yeah right. I'd believe her if she wasn't trying to catch her breath in between hysterical bouts of laughter.

Lightning's training was a bit better. I used the power of cute to look as pathetic and beaten down as possible after my training with Fang. It sort of helped. Instead of forcing me to fight wild animals, Lightning forced me to do a thousand pushups. I was already in tears by my tenth one when she decided to place her foot on my back to keep me from pushing up. Lightning is everything I both admire and fear in a person, so her foot on my back was either a sign she wanted me to get better or a sign that she thought I was as pathetic as a worm. Fang came up and told her that she was going a bit too hard on me.

I should've dodged rolled away from them the moment Fang opened her mouth. Lightning didn't think it was any of Fang's business and before I knew it they were arguing. I didn't want my friends turning on each other over something petty so as I man I decided to do something about it.

I watched.

Snow thought it was awesome that I got two hot girls fighting over me. But I don't think it's cool at all. Fang decided that using her Eidolon was the be all and end all to solving all her arguments. Someone needs to talk to her about using her words to solve her problems.

I gotta go. I've been sitting on top of this boulder for the past hour or so waiting for the pack of wild dogs that chased me lose interest. They're asleep right now so I should probably take that as a sign to escape.


End file.
